Sunday, July 15, 2012

Revisiting Eh and the Clarity That Follows

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I've been terribly absent from this blog for about 2 weeks now. 
I had a pregnancy week. 
I feel like when you are pregnant there are many times you can go on with life pretending everything is normal and forgetting that you are pregnant and then there are those times when the pregnancy wins and you have no choice but to throw your arms up and surrender. The hormones always win in the end anyways.

I tend to not like to talk about these things, especially this publicly, but, well, this is pregnancy and this blog chronicles a large part of my life, as public as it may be. 
So here it is - 
I road the pregnancy crazy train last week.

 Almost three weeks ago, I hit my second trimester and I felt great, I didn't feel sick, I suddenly had energy and I was rarin' at the gate. That was probably the most productive week and a half I've had since conception (and my extreme productivity was the reason I was absent at that time). I suddenly wanted to clean again and clean I did, I reorganized and scrubbed and revisited our finances, putting together an entire home organization binder (which I LOVE, will touch on that in another post) and I made list after list, crossing off item after item. I felt very much so back to my normal self. Phew!

And then week number 2 hit and it hit hard. With nausea and headaches, complete exhaustion, depression, obsession, lack of patience, emotional breakdowns, hot flashes and well, all the signs of crazy.... or pregnancy, your pick.  In my previous pregnancy, this is what I came to call a hormone flush. I use this term to describe when one gets a fresh batch of hormones in (sounds like I'm stocking produce right?) because with those new hormones comes the week of hell and then suddenly you wake up one day feeling amazing again and its all over in about a weeks time. This happens randomly throughout your entire pregnancy and you never know when it is going to happen.

So I'm finally feeling better. I'm finally wanting to clean again (sort of) and having a little more energy (sort of, we're on our way there) and well getting back to emotional equilibrium. 
I'm saying good bye to the crazy train. 

So here I am, hangin' it all out to dry. 
Pregnancy is a wild and crazy thing, an ever changing thing and probably the least reliable thing on this Earth. It evokes emotions you didn't know existed, physical trials that often don't seem possible and breaks rules you thought were concrete. It teaches you not to judge, not to care, not to expect. It reminds you of your humanity and your lack of control and well, to just trust the Lord and go with the flow. It humbles you mentally and physically and reminds you of your place and of God's control and presence on this beautiful Earth.

And all the things you don't learn in pregnancy, come crashing down like the weight of the world on your shoulders once the baby is born and in your arms. Love like you never understood. Fear like you never understood. Sadness like you never understood. Often times people talk about the love you feel, love like you will never experience until you raise a child, but little do they speak of the overwhelming fear you feel. You see the world so vividly and you see every danger, every possible harm and once again you are humbled before the Lord because all you can do is put that sweet life in His hands and trust. 

Okay, so, yah, hormones make you philosophical as well. 

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