Thursday, August 9, 2012

How He Healed a Broken Heart

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Some of you already know, many of you don't. 
We chose to keep it to ourselves, perhaps out of hope, perhaps in order to avoid acknowledging it, perhaps because we just didn't want to talk about it. 

Two weeks ago we found out that our precious little baby was a boy, a wish come true. Within five minutes of finding out he was a boy, we got news that overshadowed our excitement in its entirety. Knox was diagnosed with Subaortic Ventricular Septal Defect (VSD). What this means is that the wall between the two ventricles of his heart never fully closed, leaving a gap, or hole. At first look, the hole looked quite large and the placement was particularly negative. 

This is a defect that would affect his entire life. He would not be able to play sports, he would always be short of breath, he would have all of the typical symptoms that come with heart problems. His heart would always be working overtime. 

We were told that the hole could close up at any point between that ultrasound appointment and his birth, even shortly after birth. We were told not to worry until we were told to worry. We were told not to research it or "google" it for the time being. We were told that of the congenital (pre-birth) heart defects, this is the most common. We were told to see a pediatric cardiologist in two weeks for a fetal echo. 

So those two weeks crept slowly past. We went through every emotion in the book, from sadness and frustration, to fear and doubt. We settled upon trust. Emotions ran deep and with them came tears and deep prayer.  We came to the realization that we truly have no control over this little life growing inside of me and if this is what the Lord has chosen for our sweet baby boy then we can do nothing but trust in Him, that he has a perfect plan for us and our sweet Knox, that through Him anything is possible. So we let go of our human emotions and decided to trust and trust we did. We never stopped praying for Knox's health and for the healing of his heart, because that is what parents do. They trust the Lord, they never give up on their children, they never loose hope. So we prayed and we trusted. 

Eventually, slowly, the two weeks passed and I drove to Thousand Oaks with a friend (because Wes was on the road and couldn't get home) to meet with a pediatric cardiologist who works at UCLA and Cedars Sinai. 

We spent almost 2 hours in the appointment, looking at every angle of his heart. I got up, moved around, drank some juice, came back for a second round to try and get a better view. Another Dr. came in to look over his heart to confirm what the Cardiologist believed....

... that she is 99.9% positive that sweet Knox no longer has a hole in his heart. She said she would be 100% positive, except that he was being very difficult and making it hard for her to see his heart in exactly the way she wanted to. However, after almost two hours of looking it over time and again, she believes it is completely intact. 

So our beautiful Father healed our son's sweet little broken heart and made it whole again, in the same way that he healed my own heart and made it whole again. A vivid reminder that without him we are broken, fallible and utterly imperfect. A reminder that he can make anything happen and that we will find true comfort and love only in Him. A reminder that we should always trust Him, because He does indeed have a perfect plan that is beyond our understanding. A reminder that life is short and can be stolen from us at any moment, nothing is guaranteed and therefore we must live each day with hearts full of love. 

Thank you to those of you who prayed for Knox, for those of you who once again held me up when I forgot I could be strong. Thank you for loving this little family and for carrying us through.

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