Thursday, March 21, 2013

Hold You

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About a week or so ago Sofia started saying "hold you" when she wanted to be held. 
Wes and I were so enamored by our sweet little girl (who has never ever been a cuddly baby) wanting to be held and cuddled and verbalizing her want that we did as she asked - we held her. We snuggled her and kissed her and cuddled all over her. 

Now, Knox is a very cuddly baby, but Sofia has never been. It was always hard for us because being our first baby, all we wanted to do was hold and cuddle and love on her (that's what you do with babies right?) and she would throw a fit, writhing out of our arms and wanting to be independent. We would often ask each other, "do you think she will ever let us just hold her?" So when our independent first born started asking to be held and cuddled, it was like a dream come true. 

Then it became all the time. Every second of every day for the last week or two and I started to think that I had accidentally crossed the "WARNING: TODDLER - DO NOT CROSS" line. 

Then it hit me. How absurdly unstable her life has been for the last three months. 
First, Dad was on the road for almost an entire year, we only saw him 4 days a month so I was her primary caregiver. Then Dad came home and was home 24/7. Then this little creature arrives that is consuming Mom's attention and hanging off of her body and Dad becomes primary caregiver because he is home and trying to help Mom. Then out of no where (in her mind) Dad gets a job and is suddenly gone all day and Mom is primary caregiver again. 

How confusing and frustrating. 
She has been very clingy to me lately and she has not stopped with the "hold you" and it just clicked that this has been going on for exactly the same amount of time that Wes has been back to work. 

My poor girl is dealing with emotions she doesn't understand. She wants to be held because it brings her comfort and she needs to feel the stability of being held and cared for. She doesn't want to leave my side because she doesn't know when her whole world is going to, once again, be flipped around. 

I feel so bad about this, but the fact is, this is life. Things like this happen and we as humans learn to be resilient and to overcome. So as we as a family of four seek our new normal, Sofia is having to seek her own sense of what is "normal." 

She will overcome, she is strong and independent and determined. Until then, I will continue to hold my daughter when I am able to because that is what she needs and I am her mom and sometimes we have to recognize that our children's requests are deeper rooted than just normal toddler instability and attempts at autonomy. 

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