Sunday, December 29, 2013

Letter to My Children: Part 2

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So lets rewind just a bit. Remember when I said we fought colds most of the spring? Well, Knox, you ended up in the ER with croup at the end of March. Fortunately, they treated you and we were home that night and you recovered pretty quickly. Sofia, about a week later (and less than a week before your 2nd birthday) we were back in the ER for you with a broken wrist. You rolled off the couch and somehow landed on it just right. What are the chances. I had planned an entire Minnie Mouse birthday party for your second birthday and, well, you rocked your cast in an adorable Minnie Mouse dress, ears and all. You actually did really well with a cast on, even at just barely 2 years old. You have always been such a strong girl. In fact, there was a moment in our 6 hour wait at the ER where I almost walked out because I thought I had been over zealous in taking you in and there was not actually anything wrong (you were so calm) but then of course the x-rays came back and I was grateful I had stuck it out.

Around this time, as I was starting to feel emotionally healthier, your father was starting to fall into his own depression. His job was killing him. He was exhausted and overworked physically & mentally. His eyes were blood shot and he would literally come home and stare at the wall. He couldn't function. He was being worked to death and was being treated horribly at the same time. He was also struggling with some very emotionally taxing circumstances in his extended family and he was just sort of "all used up."  We both really struggled with our emotions at this point and I am sure we both felt very alone. We weren't communicating and I wasn't sure of what to do. In ten years, I had never seen your father like this. I couldn't seem to find a solution, nothing that I did worked, so I prayed. I prayed and I prayed.

Children, it is important to know that we all hit points like this in our lives. There will come a time when you see the light start to flicker in someone who has always been your shining lantern. We all hit rocky road sooner or later, where we don't think we can sink any lower, where we feel broken and it becomes difficult to function. You have to know, that in these moments, God is hard at work on you. We often spend much of our lives building ourselves the way that we want and at some point He comes in and says, "that's not exactly what I was thinking." He starts breaking pieces off and molding us this way and that until we start to take on a new shape, the shape that was His plan for us all along. Your dad was right in the thick of this. It's hard to see it while it's happening, that is why we must trust and have faith and know that there is always a plan bigger than us. When God calls you to get out of the boat, you stay strong in your faith and you keep your focus on Him because He is all that will get you through. You ignore the storm and the waves and the sea, you focus on Him and you get out of the boat.

Summer was nearing and you both were getting so much bigger and we were just at our wits end with our tiny condo. Not to mention, I was really struggling carrying 60+ pounds of wriggling children up those stairs all day long. Around this time, blessing after blessing, the pieces fell into place and we moved to our little cottage on Alameda. What a blessing this place has been to us. But here is the thing about moving with a 6 month old and a 26 month old, it is really hard. Really hard. There is no getting around it. You both were loosing your minds, crying and clinging and waking up at night, struggling to go down. That was a very overwhelming time for me. We were all out of sorts for a while. We got some good news around this time, news about a possible business opportunity. News that would mean a world of change for your father and I.  We were excited and terrified. We were in constant prayer for God to show us if this was His will for us and He kept making it clearer and clearer. So this is where Plum Lift-A-Door Co. came in to the picture. So much prayer later, we decided to close our eyes and jump. Again, with no idea of how we would do it or how we would get through, just that we felt God was making it clear that this was His plan. We were terrified.

I've noticed something about myself as a mother, I don't like the first six months. Don't get me wrong, there is nothing more special than a brand new baby that sleeps on your chest, a baby you get to breastfeed and bond with and fall in love with. But all in all, I am not a fan (minus the couple of things mentioned earlier). I LOVE when you hit the 6 month mark, I absolutely love 6 months and older. I've felt this way with both of you. You each hit 6 months and it was as if a whole new world opened up. I think this is because I love to see your personalities emerge, I love when you can laugh and play and interact. You start to become more human and I absolutely love it. I fall in love with you in a whole new way. So at this point, I was feeling better emotionally and we were settling in to our new home and I was getting excited about the possibilities for your father with Plum Lift-A-Door Co. I think he was getting excited too, his mood started to lift. He could see the light, there was an end in sight for what I often refer to as "Prudential's Reign of Terror" and suddenly I noticed something different about your father..... he sure was talking about God a lot more. He was praying a lot too. There was indeed work being done on that man. His heart had changed and I'm not sure if he even knew it.

To be continued.... 
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